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My brother;
I gave up the band. Not because I really, deep down wanted to, but because that was the one thing that could actually pull me away from old Claire again. And I wanted to make sure that nothing could do that unless I really, really let it. So, I found them a new bassist and the mesh was good. The transition went as smoothly as possible, and I think that Hilly will make a good addition. I've shut down my twitter and facebook page. Even if they were under a fake name, it was the right thing to do. The band knows how to answer questions about where I've gone. Deep, spiritual, personal reasons.
I worked my ass off day and night for a spirit for a full month, sleeping precious little. I didn't mind it, I actually love giving to the spirits when they ask - and it's really only fair, seeing as how she was doing me a favor in return, after. And no small favor, either. I didn't know that a spirit could lessen the grip of the beast on members of my family, but I was proven wrong. I am no longer so tied to that bottle. I have clarity, for however long it lasts. I have to use the time I've been bought wisely, which is still difficult, given I have no idea where to begin.
Perhaps the books. My new landlord seems hopeful about the rows of tomes he's managed to amass. I've already read through one of them, but it feels like I picked the Silmarilian out of the far more interesting books by the same author. Or same flavour, in this context. I have a stack of four next to my cot. I'll try to read through them in the next few days. It'll be slow going, having to write everything down that seems useful or of interest. I never used to have to do this. I am so fucking mad that I have to now.
What good am I? Really? I cannot pass along news reliably. I can't remember sagas and stories from long ago or recent. I can't retell them with the beautiful detail and passion they deserve because.. I forget them halfway through. I can still sing, and I can still play, but will that be enough? And for how much longer? Will Mother understand that I am fraying myself trying to live up to her expectation? She is not unreasonable, but feeling as though I am no longer whole enough to be worthy is crushing me. I will let down my family, like this. And that comes with far more shame than I think I can live with. It ruins me to think of what Father would say, if I were to speak with him. What degree of weakness would he consider this? Am I already in violation of our laws? Should I stop kidding myself that I'll stumble on a way to fix this, and have the grace to remove myself before my existence becomes offensive to my family?
I have begun with the books. And with speaking to someone I trust. It has opened a few doors that may, or may not lead anywhere. I don't know if what I feel now is a sliver of hope, or tension as I brace myself for a fruitless search.
From the start, I knew I would join Father someday. I had thought it would be in service to the family, and in protection of Mother. I don't like that it's becoming more likely that I will be useless, and ended by ritual euthanasia. But if I must, I must. I will not force my family to suffer, just so I can draw breath.
I am alone.
I gave up the band. Not because I really, deep down wanted to, but because that was the one thing that could actually pull me away from old Claire again. And I wanted to make sure that nothing could do that unless I really, really let it. So, I found them a new bassist and the mesh was good. The transition went as smoothly as possible, and I think that Hilly will make a good addition. I've shut down my twitter and facebook page. Even if they were under a fake name, it was the right thing to do. The band knows how to answer questions about where I've gone. Deep, spiritual, personal reasons.
I worked my ass off day and night for a spirit for a full month, sleeping precious little. I didn't mind it, I actually love giving to the spirits when they ask - and it's really only fair, seeing as how she was doing me a favor in return, after. And no small favor, either. I didn't know that a spirit could lessen the grip of the beast on members of my family, but I was proven wrong. I am no longer so tied to that bottle. I have clarity, for however long it lasts. I have to use the time I've been bought wisely, which is still difficult, given I have no idea where to begin.
Perhaps the books. My new landlord seems hopeful about the rows of tomes he's managed to amass. I've already read through one of them, but it feels like I picked the Silmarilian out of the far more interesting books by the same author. Or same flavour, in this context. I have a stack of four next to my cot. I'll try to read through them in the next few days. It'll be slow going, having to write everything down that seems useful or of interest. I never used to have to do this. I am so fucking mad that I have to now.
What good am I? Really? I cannot pass along news reliably. I can't remember sagas and stories from long ago or recent. I can't retell them with the beautiful detail and passion they deserve because.. I forget them halfway through. I can still sing, and I can still play, but will that be enough? And for how much longer? Will Mother understand that I am fraying myself trying to live up to her expectation? She is not unreasonable, but feeling as though I am no longer whole enough to be worthy is crushing me. I will let down my family, like this. And that comes with far more shame than I think I can live with. It ruins me to think of what Father would say, if I were to speak with him. What degree of weakness would he consider this? Am I already in violation of our laws? Should I stop kidding myself that I'll stumble on a way to fix this, and have the grace to remove myself before my existence becomes offensive to my family?
I have begun with the books. And with speaking to someone I trust. It has opened a few doors that may, or may not lead anywhere. I don't know if what I feel now is a sliver of hope, or tension as I brace myself for a fruitless search.
From the start, I knew I would join Father someday. I had thought it would be in service to the family, and in protection of Mother. I don't like that it's becoming more likely that I will be useless, and ended by ritual euthanasia. But if I must, I must. I will not force my family to suffer, just so I can draw breath.
I am alone.
